Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drunk is not a location!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
