Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
