I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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