I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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