The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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