Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
