I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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