at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
