He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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