Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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