my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
