I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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