so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
