dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
