You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
