I'm really into asian looking animals
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
