were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
