When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
