just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
