Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
