Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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