All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The maid of honor just puked.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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