1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
