Swine flu is the new snow day.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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