he puts the penis in happiness.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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