Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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