Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
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