he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
