Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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