Apparently you make a good broom.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
