I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
