Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
