What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Less talking, more tequila
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Randomize
