I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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