can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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