Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am midnight drunk by noon
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
