well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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