Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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