Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
