I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
