just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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