Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
