Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
