No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
