not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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