i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He kissed a someone with a penis
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
