You made me cry and you don't even care
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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