Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
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He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
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By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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