He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
