Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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