the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
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I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
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I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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