I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
