I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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