My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
two words...techno handjob
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
