my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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