Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
