i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
