batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
