It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
