I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I need to sanitize my soul.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
