so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
