Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
