Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
